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Becker
05 May 2016 @ 08:13 pm
Obviously I give zero fucks tonight. It's my first day off in 15 days. So I'm drinking wine and watching trashy tv. There is no justification in that, I just don't care. Life is moving along, this week we were incredibly short and on top of that had zero supplies. An example of this was my patient with a fucking cardiac issue that I couldn't put on telemetry monitoring for an hour and a half yesterday. I love emergency medicine but sometimes I'm like why the fuck did I choose this as a profession. It's being a human piñata 50+ hours a week. Today I was downright exhausted and by the time I came home and fed the horses, goats, chickens, rabbits and lamb. Yes, part of the reason why I have an awesome rent hook up is bc I take care of all of these animals. Kinda makes my homo ass feel a bit more manly. I wish someone could see me throwing hay bales and cleaning pens with manure in mucking boots lol anyways I'm off tomorrow and I'm just so happy to be home and relaxing the way I want to. Nighty night
 
 
Becker
30 April 2016 @ 08:16 am
So I started to drink again on Monday and have every night since. It is what it is I'm going to stop now. Work has been completely insane. I'm exhausted but I'm sure the drinking doesn't help. That's really about it. So I am going to stop the booze and start the gym on Monday. I really want to stay clean but it's hard. I don't know why I keep messing up.
 
 
Becker
24 April 2016 @ 02:44 am
Last week was a busy week at work and all I have been doing is picking up overtime. They asked me to do three over night shifts in a row with helps me a lot financially but is beyond physically exhausting. This morning I came home to the electricity to the camper being on fire and Kristin being upset bc the people she hired to help her with her pony parties didn't show. So by the time we got the wiring replaced and the camper fixed it was around 3pm and then I slept until 8:30 threw myself in the shower and ran over to mom and dads for a bite to eat before heading back here for another shift at 11pm. With my body all off track and barely any sleep I feel miserable. I can hear my bed calling my name. I'm hoping to get a really good rest today when I go home so I can be up in time for the game of thrones premiere at my parent house. (I fucking love that show) literally just re watched the whole last season so that I could refresh my memory. Other than that not a lot going on. I am concerned about my weight and eating habits, I really want to get back to the weight I was. I don't know why it feels so hard to do. I'm so exhausted everyday by the time I get home all I want to do is sleep. Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation just to stay in bed and watch movies for a month. I don't feel depressed or anything by any means, I'm just tired as hell. I am happy that I'm working with a good overnight crew this weekend. Anyways I think in rambling, probably journaling to just stay awake but for 25 bucks an hour, you can't beat it. I'm doing a one to one observation right now, makes time go by very slow. If give anything to be home right now but it will be good to see what my check will be with these overtime shifts and my raise this week.
 
 
Becker
Today I am 28 days sober. So technically if I went to treatment I would be just getting out today. I feel good, clear headed and on track. Work has been going well, a bit of an adjustment but it seems to be going fine. I have been picking up massive overtime which will keep me busy and help pay off bills as well as save some cash. So basically in May I only have four days off the whole month. Tomorrow I am going to start the gym and incorporate it in my everyday life. I want to get back to my weight of 160 lbs, I am at 235 right now. Its amazing that in two years I have gained 75 lbs. So I figure I'll weigh myself on the 20th of every month and track my progress. Today is the big New York primary election. Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton are sure to take our state. Im not a big Hilary fan but I do like Trump. So we'll see what happens with that. Tonight I am excited to watch the beverly hills real housewife reunion, love the drama. Then its off to sleep bc I will 4am the gym. Wish me luck.
 
 
Current Location: The McDreamy
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: RHOBH reunion
 
 
Becker
Just hangin on the couch before an overnight shift at work tonight. My boss asked me yesterday to switch. I also picked up some overtime on Sunday. So basically everything has been good this week. I made it through my first week of outpatient. Two groups that were insanely annoying and an individual session on Wednesday that wasn't that bad. I have this Italian counselor with an accent. She was nice. I also wound up picking up extra shifts for all of May. So now I don't have a weekend off which I'm okay with. The busier the better and I wouldn't be doing anything anyway. This week I intend to start the gym and try to incorporate that into my schedule. Hopefully then I can start to lose all of this weight that I gained. I'm 230 now and I was 155 before I went off my diet and gained all of this weight. Ideally I'd like to get back to that weight but I think it's going to take me at least 6 months. Which is fine, as long as I start. I figure I'll just go when I leave after work everyday at 3 and get it done before outpatient. I'm so tired and I didn't do anything today but sleep late and relax. I haven't worked an overnight shift in like a year lol I'm going to be so shot by 7am. I'm at dads, everyone's hanging on the couch watching tv. It will be a sad thing when Christian leaves for the marines. We are laughing and playing with the dogs. I love our dogs. Life is good right now. Gonna have to knock myself out tomorrow morning so I can sleep all day. I have to try and get my body back on track before going back to work at my normal time on Sunday. Today the bunnies got lose from their pen, you should have seen my fat ass running around the back yard trying to catch them lol I caught 3 out of the 5. Not bad! Those thing are insanely fast. I like this livejournal app on my iPhone it makes it so much easier to post when I'm not home at the mcdreamy. 🤓 it's 9:30 now, I'll leave here in about an hour to head to work. I'll write when I wake up, if I feel up to it.
 
 
 
Becker
11 April 2016 @ 11:08 pm
So this morning I woke up to this stupid dog that Kristin has barking its ass off. I hate this dog, its huge and white. She brought this dog home from the pound when she was picking up a run away who later ran away again, only to be killed by a car. I love living here but I am definitely glad I live out back in the camper. I honestly shouldn't say anything negative but there is 6 cats, 4 dogs and two hamsters in the house. Which causes a fly problem inside, fueled by the ranch in the back. She does keep the house as clean as she can but she works 4 twelve hour shifts a week and her kids are less than helpful. I try to lend a hand but then she yells at me because she wants the kids to do it. Shes a sweet, loving, caring person but I think she gets hurt because of it. That's why I just try and help out because I know I have a really good deal with living here and being able to save money and get school done. So after I had some breakfast, I vegged out and caught up on some shows. I think Im a Tv-aholic lol I love vegging out with some food and my shows. Wound up taking a nap for a few hours, I rolled out of bed and just threw on some clothes for outpatient. I didnt eve shower. So I went to group and had to listen to a bunch of heroin addicts talk about dope. Which is exactly what I knew it was going to be. It seems that a 30 year old alcoholic is a rarity. What Im thinking is I'm going to have to just grin and bare it for the next 9-12 months until its over. Spoke to dad for a bit on the way home, picked up some chinese and came home to eat. Another guilty pleasure started tonight. The real housewives franchise is premiering in a new city tonight, Dallas. It was as epic and bitchy as i thought it would be! ;) I have work tomorrow so Im off to bed. Good night!
 
 
Current Location: The McDreamy
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Watch What Happens Live
 
 
Becker
Had a really nice weekend back to work with my crew this weekend. Ran the desk like a champ, doing the main desk in the ER takes a lot of organization and concentration. I like it, I'm truly in my element when I'm doing it. You are solely responsible for the flow of the entire ER. So it was a nice weekend with a lot of work and a lot of laughs. All in all, I am happy to be back at work. After work both days I went to mom and dads. We just chilled and had dinner and watched tv. Being home makes me feel safe and loved. I like that we are always cracking on each other and laughing. Ive been obsessively looking at houses lately as a goal to save up for. Im seeing a lot of stuff upstate that I really like. I like the mountains, abundance of nature and the privacy. So its about goals. Dad is helping manage my money so hopefully in 4 years I will own my own house and be done with school. I cant believe that Im going to be 31 in just a few months. So its time to get crackin. In other news I start outpatient group tomorrow which I'm not thrilled about so be prepared to hear a full on rant about all of that when I get home lol I am however off tomorrow and group isn't until 6pm so at least I'll have most of the day to lounge and relax. I'll probably be up half the night watching tv in my comfy bed. Watched the season premier of fear the walking dead tonight and I liked it a lot. Also bought the new deftones album GORE today and it sounds awesome. Welp I guess that all for now, Ill write tomorrow after I get home from group.
 
 
Current Location: The McDreamy
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Teen Mom 2 in backround
 
 
Becker
So last night around 11pm I got a text from Mom saying that she was in the ER in Southampton. Apparently she was having some chest pain again. She had called me earlier in the day, after she had left work saying she had chest pain and her blood pressure was off. She said she took an aspirin and felt better so I thought nothing of it. It occurred again so they took her to the ER and she was kept overnight for observation. Thankfully nothing was wrong. So when I woke up this morning I talked to dad and he told me to meet up with him and Christian at the lumberyard to go see Mom. On the way we stopped at Tate's Bake Shop (the best in the hamptons with the best cookies) Dad spent 60 bucks on treats for all of the nurses on the floor. Dad is honestly my role model because of stuff like this. So we stayed there for about an hour and a half and Mom was discharged. Mom looked exhausted and slept the whole way home. She had only slept like three hours last night in the hospital. So we got her home and she went right to bed. I proceeded to do my laundry and watch a movie with Dad and Christian. Dad ordered everyone hero's for dinner which was nice. I left around eight and came home.
Tonight Adrianna texted me. I haven't spoken to her since before I went into detox. She is without a doubt my best friend, probably the closest friend I have ever had. I just get nervous talking to her because we did a lot if drinking together. She said that she was proud of me and hoped I was in good spirits. It was nice to talked to her, we mainly bullshitted about shows on Bravo like the housewives and vanderpump rules. It was nice to laugh and talk. So the day was nice and easy, I wanted to get a haircut but I took this medication Dr. Aponte prescribed for sleep. I wound up going to sleep at 11 last night and waking up at 12:45 pm today! I like sleeping but that's a little much and I felt drowsy when I woke up. Tomorrow Im working with a lot of people I like. Should be nice, I know everyone knows what went on with me and I dont care. I took care of myself. Thats all that matters. Alright, anyways Im off to bed :)
 
 
Current Location: The McDreamy
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: sopranos season 4 in the backround
 
 
Becker
08 April 2016 @ 12:19 am
 
 
Becker
Went back to work today and it wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it would be. It was a very busy day because prompt care was closed and as usual we were short nurses. (nothing changes) So it was a busy first day back. I like my job, its part of my identity. Helping people gives me purpose and keeps me feeling humble at the end of the day when I leave. So today came and went, my co-workers were happy to have me back. A lot of hugs and kisses. On my lunch break I got a hold of outpatient and Ill be going to two groups a week and on individual session every other week. Im not thrilled about having to spend all of that time there but maybe its a good thing. I clearly have tried to stop drinking countless times. I need a little more support. I really just would like to stay sober for the rest of my like, the only time things ever go wrong is when I drink. It would be nice to just stay focused, save money, get school done and buy a home of my own. Watching this series finale of American idol is weird because I haven't watched since the second season and now the show is ending on season 15. It was my 15th summer when this show started and Mary Oudeans and I watched every episode and totally called that Kelly Clarkson was going to win. That was a great summer, not a worry in the world. A lots happened since then. Eh, what are you gonna do, right? I have off tomorrow which means Im going to sleep in late like a teenager and then Im going to mom and dads to do laundry like a college kid. Mind you I have a washer and dryer hear but I would just rather do it there so I can eat and lounge on the couch with my brother and bullshit. lol Plus I just like hanging around home with my family. Im still having trouble sleeping, Dr. Aponte gave me something for it which I doubt Ill take. So I will probably be up late re-watching the Sopranos like I have been for the past week haha Fucking love that show.
 
 
Current Location: The McDreamy
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: American Idol Series Finale